Dreamer Queen Not Under the Machine

TW* childhood bullying + brief mentions of ED and SA Ironically, just the day before a pretty awful awkwardness bullying trigger got me, I shared these photos for once with some affection, fun-loving humor, and even pride for that awkward, chubby, round-faced buck-teethed kid. It was the video footage of her that got me diagnosed autistic when at first they weren't sure if they believed me and were trying to stick me with all these other mental health disorders (that I am not at the core.) I buried her for so long, I was ashamed of her, but recently I have actually been enjoying rising above sh*tty chronic illness symptoms and pain, and expressing being the *adult of course* version of her as a niche. I have also been gearing up to do outfits on insta and TipSnaps (if they ever work properly.) I am still that girl…all grown up of course. That poor child deserved better than to be spoken to worse than a dog, mocked with the "oooook" response all the time, and spoken to as ...

  I don't wanna just be a warrior anymore. I've been doing that my whole life. I want to trailblaze the f*** out of this dark tunnel with a surrounding field of the vicious thorns and brush that is the injustice of ableism and forced poverty. With my torch, yeah, blaze it. 'cause I am fed up of this for myself, and for every story I hear .. my blood boils. Let it be the fire that ignites the torch so I can get out of this dark tunnel. Invisible disability discrimination. misogyny ie 'she's hysterical' or disabled male discrimination ie 'man up you're not that sick bro' via disbelief and shaming ie 'she's such a pretty girl, shame she's ill, she's non-viable, what a pity' instead of accepting her as is, all of her/him/they because they are not their disability, and happening to need to provide accessibility as well as the kind of access to care that optimizes functionality/comfort and ability to pursue pastimes, hobbies, pt work, h...

Some autistic men can be awful. Now don't get me wrong, some are great, I am friends with many great autistic guys - but I have also met a fair handful of them who are truly awful people. Very narcissistic and filled with toxic misogyny.,,and total lack of insight or capability of remorse after behaving poorly. Those kinds of guys are obnoxious AF... and they think they can get away with it.. even blame their autism. Oh please... I do also know some pretty terrible autistic with comorbid, unchecked BPD women who blame their BPD rages, lash outs and nasty mouths on autism. Sorry, but autism is never an excuse to be a complete a-hole... and using it as an excuse for that only perpetuates a bad rep, and internal violence within that community (which is rapidly causing trauma) we don't want that... so stop using it as such and maybe realize that you're just being a shitty person, or a person behaving badly who needs to correct their behavior, no matter what 'condition' ...

September 22 2023  Well, here is where I finally start writing again. I had once been a prolific blogger and vlogger, and in 2014 I even wrote a book...but for years now I've been suffering with writers' block which has been due to layers of complex trauma along with profound physical pain and fatigue due to Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It's a very challenging and debilitating yet mostly invisible chronic health condition that's frustratingly - and heartbreakingly - held me back from reaching my dreams and living as I truly desire to. Instead, I have been cautiously sticking to my safe spot on my personal Facebook page, sharing mostly the more positive bits of my life with a smaller number of friends - my closer circle. Even then, I have to admit, I haven't been entirely forthright, though it's not as if I've been untruthful either. I just don't like to show vulnerability. I've been afraid to step back out, to find and use my voice again, especially as it...

  I wake up most mornings in total agony before dragging myself down to the kitchen to take all my medications with strong instant coffee - and that includes my pain medications. While some mornings are worse than others, it's overall the same, and it's rough on my already-challenged body. This way of living just isn't sustainable. Honestly, I don't know how coffee alone hasn't caused me to drop dead. I am drinking way too much of it, just to obtain some superficial surge of 'energy', if you can call it that ... and to cut through the otherwise cloud of drowsiness caused by all my medications. They say people in the psych ward drink pots of coffee if they can get their hands on it. Some psych wards that are housing longer term patients have a pot on brew that people can help themselves - which they do many times over. I understand why they do that. The cloud of drowsiness feels icky, and they can't think straight that way. It's a quality of life thin...

The biggest challenge of my life has always been that I'm different. My brain is wired differently and even my body is wired differently. I view things a bit differently because I think a little differently. If I were to sum that up I'd say it's in a more visual, kinesthetic way, and in patterns. I see a lot of interrelations. Due to this, my natural way of communication has been interpreted as sounding somewhat awkward - other than times when I've had enough energy and social context to try really hard not to...which isn't always the case. I learn differently and I experience sensory input differently and more intensely. To boot, my genetic health condition (which I was born with) invisibly compromised me physically, long before it was diagnosed, and that was seldom understood.  I had to push myself extra hard to keep up physically and mentally... and I got discriminated against anyway. All this has made it rough to live in this world. Eventually,...